There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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