If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
