Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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