I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
