I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
