My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
