I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
