I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
