Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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