So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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