I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
