I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
