dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
