we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
