Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
