I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
