totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
