I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
