I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
