the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
