I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
