I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
