hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
