You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
