its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
love makes seman taste better
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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