Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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