I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There's always time for handjobs
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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