Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
