i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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