One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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