So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Randomize
