my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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