also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Someone signed my nipple.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
