did you get engaged???
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
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