Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
