ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
