I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
