I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
