if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
