Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
