you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
