I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
