I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
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