my soul wont recognize me after tonight
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize