that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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