I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
