just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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