I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
