what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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