btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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