My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize