So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
