The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
