its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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